Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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