You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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