i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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