i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
