i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
