i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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