sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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