i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
