apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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