i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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