The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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