Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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