I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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