Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
