somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
