Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
