BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
