Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
