i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
