so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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