This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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