Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
