my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
