There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
