The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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