Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
