She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
