Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
