Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
