he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
