Have you finally orgasmed yet?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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