I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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