Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
