I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
