The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
