i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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