I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
