Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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