i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
