soooo we both peed the bed last night...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
