Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
