At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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