I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
