my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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