I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
