I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
