i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
