friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
