just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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