Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
