Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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